Ideas for conduct in emotionally charged conversations
These ideas do not apply to abusive interactions. I’m talking about conversations in which conflict happens. I am also tailoring this to online interaction, although I think most of the ideas should hold as well in 3D. I’m sure these won’t work for everyone. They are merely ideas from what works for me!
1. Slow things way down. In synchronous online conversation, such as IM, try waiting five minutes before answering each emotionally charged line. If you are physically shaking, you have probably not waited long enough. In asynchronous conversation, such as e-mail, try waiting an hour after reading it. The first thing you want to say is probably the wrong thing to say. In 3D conversation, try taking three deep breaths. Slow yourself down. Let the other person know that you’re doing this.
2. When online, maintain a simultaneous conversation about something else, with someone else, separately from the emotionally charged conversation. Talk with a friend. Go and put some energy into that conversation whenever you’re feeling especially shaky.
3. Apologize when and only when you have determined you did wrong and you know what you are apologizing for. Do not reflexively apologize or apologize when you don’t think you did wrong. Remember that an apology is little good unless followed up by action. If you don’t understand exactly what it is you did wrong, you will not be able to appropriately modify your behavior.
4. Cut the sarcasm or snark. In conflict this can only be snide and unhelpful. Prefer earnesty.
5. Remember that nobody is perfect. Imperfection includes making mistakes and not properly fixing them. It goes beyond mistakes into pettiness, rudeness, and cruelty. Don’t buy into the common progressive narrative that acceptable imperfections consist only of making mistakes and then apologizing, perfectly, for them, usually while under pressure and in an emotionally charged situation. People do bad and wrong things, that sometimes aren’t ever resolved, and they can still be good people. Everyone has plenty of marks on their slate; do not be especially worried about a new one. Keep a sense of perspective. This conversation and this conflict will be over eventually.
6. Do not write off the other party in the conflict. They probably see something in their relationship with you that they are willing to work for. You probably do too. Conflict is a natural part of a relationship between imperfect people. It is very likely that you will both get through this with respect for each other intact, if perhaps a little scuffed.
7. Eat something, either during the conversation or after you’ve calmed down. It may help you relax. It may provide a needed distraction. It may just be a pleasurable act to enjoy while you’re otherwise not enjoying yourself.
What works for you?
Sixwing said,
April 8, 2010 at 10:03 am
Do not reflexively apologize or apologize when you don’t think you did wrong.
YES YES YES.
I would add to this: if the other party is apologizing reflexively, don’t hold it against them. That “reflexive” is just what it sounds like, and it is a difficult reflex to overcome, especially when already stressed.
Delalyra said,
April 9, 2010 at 6:56 pm
Oooh, I gotta say that number 2 does *not* work for me. If I’m having a stressful conversation, that’s the only thing I’m capable of putting energy and emotion into; I would feel (and have felt) just rotten if (when) I tried to have a conversation with a friend about something else. It’s like… when I try to put energy into something else, I have to suppress the stress I’m feeling, and that doesn’t gel with me. I feel really fake and icky. I process emotional stress by dealing with the problem (so, here, continuing / finishing the conversation, or sending a reply).
But this is totally just me. Other people will probably find stuff that works. I think the rest of the list is great, particularly number 7.
Food for the win.
RMJ said,
April 10, 2010 at 10:36 am
This is wonderful. I will always remember rule 1 – particularly the shaking metric.
One thing I wanted to throw out about the reflexive apology – I think “I’m sorry I hurt you” is appropriate in these conversations, as a show of goodwill, and also as a show of genuine sorrow at having done harm. I agree that reflexive apologies are not appropriate in terms of issues of greater depth, though. What do you think?
quixotess said,
April 10, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I think that’s still something you should only say when it’s apparent that someone is hurt because of your actions. This may be more readily obvious–you can see it in someone’s expression or tone of voice–than other facts you might want to apologize for, like exactly what in your behavior caused the hurt, but it’s still something you should ascertain before addressing. I agree that you can apologize for that before figuring out the rest of it; even if you eventually decide that you were justified in your actions and do not have to apologize for them, it may still be appropriate to have that apology for hurting someone out there, like you said as a show of goodwill. Similarly when it comes to something time-sensitive or ongoing, it may be appropriate to immediately stop the action they are telling you is a problem, even if you don’t understand why it’s a problem. For example, I’ve previously taken down a blog post at someone’s request and then asked for clarification as to why. Then you would make an effort to slow everything down after that point. If you resume your action, only do so once you have either addressed their concerns or decided that they are not valid reasons for changing your behavior.
SnowdropExplodes said,
April 10, 2010 at 8:30 pm
Point 7 is something that can have a genuine physiological benefit as well: sometimes (depending on the time of day) the blood sugar levels can be lower than usual which can have an effect of making us less capable of taking a measured approach. We become more emotional and more prone to outbursts. Eating something can very directly address this physiological cause of anxiety.
OTOH, I have (had) a problem with comfort-eating so it’s not always the best tactic for me personally to use that one!
Definitely agree with Delalyra on point 2: if I’m emotionally shaken by one conversation, I cannot focus on another – I never could understand how people could do that. If a conversation gets emotionally-charged, then other conversations have to go on hold (or else, that one has to).
On point 3, I think it’s got one major flaw which is that quite often emotionally-charged situations run into the “if you don’t know what you did wrong, there’s no point my telling you!” gambit.
quixotess said,
April 10, 2010 at 9:03 pm
At that point maybe things are too emotionally charged and I think we return to #1: slow things down. In fact they’re practically asking you to stop talking about it for a while with that. Slow things down. Wait. Try again later. I don’t think it’s a flaw in the idea, since none of the ideas are meant to be used on their own but rather as part of a framework for handling emotionally charged conversations.